I woke up with my head buzzing.
No, not my head, my pillow. My phone was underneath it, vibrating insistently, too fast to be ringing.
Eyes bleary, I let out a yawn that became an irresistible full body stretch, arching my back, my arms and legs sticking straight out as I tensed, trying to shake off the remnants of drunken sleep. When I regained control I pulled my phone out from under the pillow and flipped onto my back, pulling the covers up as far as I could, hiding for warmth and the foggy memory of a lost dream. But my phone screen quickly pulled me out of that haze.
It wasn’t a call, it was notifications— plural, arriving one after another, so close that my phone really was buzzing like it would for a call. But what really shocked me was my notification bar. It was almost entirely filled with an array of icons. I didn’t even realize you could have that many at once! They were waiting on nearly every app on my phone. Texts, DMs on Twitter and Instagram and Snap and Kik and Tiktok… I even had icons for Tinder, though I couldn’t for the life of me remember downloading it or registering. Had I really been that drunk?
I answered that question quickly when I opened the app and found all of my profile pictures were poorly taken, sloppy selfies. Embarrassing, each and every one; my face flushed with drunk heat, angles and framing and everything just a total hot mess. I furiously deleted them all, leaving my profile blank, but the damage had been done, and it seemed like I had a ton of matches. I guess drunk Sami had been swiping like crazy…
Then I started opening notifications. My boy-crazy behavior had been repaid in kind; boys were going crazy in my inbox. I remembered giving out my number and usernames… But they must have shared them too, because there was no way I’d met all those people in one night. Their messages ran from lazy one-words to more complicated lines, a few of which even made me laugh. There were a few dick pics too, with late timestamps that made me hope the sender was too drunk for their own good. Worse than that were the very few obscene lines, with horribly obscene language or gross pathetic negs.
I deleted the dick pics and mean messages on principle. At first I planned on responding to all the rest, but there were so many… I already didn’t really know what to say, not used to the flattery. Pretty soon, I was just copy-pasting my own low effort response; ‘heyyy’. I hoped it was cute. For anyone I remembered meeting I made more effort, trying to mention something that had happened at the party.
A few of the guys responded quickly, and I started to really enjoy myself, flitting between a handful of different flirtations. I’d never had that sort of texting conversation, much less talking to multiple people at once, and it was exhilarating. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but my heart did beat a bit faster as I curled up under the covers and shamelessly teased the boys, playing naive to their dirty motives for sliding into my inbox.
Before I knew it, I’d spent nearly an hour there juggling conversations and giggling at boys’ silly jokes. Jaxx was still sound asleep across the room, and my stomach was starting to grumble, so I convinced myself to leave the warm embrace of my bed. At least I could wash off the layer of sweat and grime remaining from the party, feel a little more human. A hot shower did the trick, and I styled my hair and applied my makeup humming an upbeat tune, feeling pretty good.
Things were looking up. The party had been a great time, and I’d learned a good lesson about myself, about my ability to stand up and take what I wanted as Sami. And it had made me truly realize my own power, what a glorious weapon Cindy and Jaxx had made me into. Out of the bathroom, I tiptoed to see from the window, consciously ignoring Jaxx’s naked spread-eagle form, then quietly threw on some rainy day clothing. It only took me a few minutes to sneak out, finally peeking at his naked erection as I closed the door.
One of the many messages waiting for me that morning had been an email from Sig-Lam, instructing me to attend the main campus house in the evening. Not a problem; I was excited to be back with my new sisters, to catch up with Mary. But it also pressed an issue. Cindy.
I needed to talk to her, even though the thought gave me butterflies in my stomach. More than butterflies… It fucking terrified me. What if she wouldn’t accept my apology? What was going to happen at the first sorority meeting? How fucking horrible would it be? I’d had a taste of being in, of feeling like I belonged somewhere… I simply dreaded the idea that that was suddenly gone, because I’d been so stupidly horny over my big jerk of a roommate.
I had to make her accept my apology. I HAD to. I really was so sorry. I felt like shit about it, how stupid and short-sighted I’d been. But the more I felt like shit about it, the more I got frustrated. She got me hooked on Jaxx in the first place! How could she be so mad at me for doing what she told me to?! I izmir rus escort could see a little anger… but breaking up with me, abandoning me?
She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. I kept repeating the sentiment in my head as I grabbed food from a little cafe inside the student hub. A guy wandered up while I was eating and introduced himself, and I kinda forgot about Cindy for a bit, just sitting and laughing at his smooth talk, enjoying being hit on. Eventually he worked around to asking for my number, and walked off with a goofy smile, leaving me laughing at his parting joke.
Then it was time to face reality.
*
Outside Sig-lam, I paused for a moment to study the building. With more experience, I’d realized it was basically a carbon copy of other Greek houses around campus— yet it still seemed to have some extra character, a layer of atmosphere that didn’t extend to other houses. I’m sure it was just me, but the house loomed foreboding, as if daring me to enter.
I was let in by a blonde and brunette pair I didn’t recognize, but they squealed and hugged me, so I did the same and chatted about how excited I was until they went on their way. Then I began the climb to Cindy’s room.
I hadn’t planned what I was going to say, since thinking about it made me spiral. I had to hope that when she opened the door words would just come to me. My stomach was doing backflips as I ascended the stairs, and I gripped the banister tightly, pulling myself up. I knocked in a burst of raps, stabilizing with the same fist, trying to draw one more deep breath to center myself.
And then she opened the door, and it was like being struck in the face. It’d been only a little more than a day since I last saw her, but I still surprised by how beautiful she was, her glowing red hair and vulpine allure, the bright green of her eyes. She was talking on the phone as she answered the door, mid-laugh.
“Oh… I’ll call you back. No. Bye.”
She was so casual, so cool, so effortlessly gorgeous. I burned as she looked me up and down slowly, but refused to wither.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
I stared and stared, looking for some sign of weakness. Not even; just some sign that she’d felt like I had, that she’d been missing me how I missed her. But there was nothing at all, not an eyelash out of place.
“So…”
She crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame, the corner of her mouth wrinkling in that way that was so cute, would have made me laugh if it wasn’t turned against me. I had to speak, just to break the silence.
“Uhm… I… I missed you…”
As soon as it was out of my mouth, I knew it was a mistake. Cindy shook her head, visibly cringing at my naive, sentimental stupidity.
“Oh, Sami…”
Her tone wasn’t angry or rude, just pitying, tinged with disappointment that cut me much deeper than any insult would have.
“No, that’s not… I mean… C-can I come in?”
I just needed a couple more seconds to formulate my thoughts, put together a better start… And I felt so awkward and exposed, standing in the hallway, painfully aware that any number of sisters could materialize at any second, making my apology a much more public, spotlit affair. If she would just let me in, show me a hint of the patience that had helped me realize who I was, I knew I could do better. I deserved a chance to do better, after all she’d put me through.
But Cindy was unmoved.
“Look… Now’s not a good time, I’ve got to get ready for the event later, and so should you, and—”
“—No!”
My emotions surged up hot and urgent to interrupt her excuses, stepping up and planting my palms into her shoulders, shoving her back into her own room. Then I slammed the door shut behind us. Cin stumbled backwards, face betraying her shock at my uncharacteristic outburst of assertion.
“What the fuck…?”
A part of me registered her shock, and was shocked as well. I knew I was being crazy, and just didn’t care. My vision was tunneled, perception flooding red. She was going to hear what I had to say, even if I had to force her to.
“Fuck you!”
I shouted, reaching out to shove her again. How could she tell me ‘it’s not a good time’? After everything she did to me? After she trapped me and trained me and placed me right in front of the battering ram that was Jaxx?
“Fuck me? Fuck YOU! Get the fuck out!”
Shock only went so far, and the second shove brought Cindy out of surprise and back into the conversation with her own anger. But I wasn’t leaving, if she wanted me to she’d have to make me.
“No! I’m fucking sorry, okay!? I’m sorry I lied to you, and I’m sorry I went to him! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have, it was FUCKING stupid.”
It took all of my control to keep from shouting, instead speaking very loudly, very quickly. My eyes burned hot with tears, but I stormed through them.
“…But I don’t know what you want me to do! I don’t get why you won’t talk to me! You know what he’s like! izmit escort And you’re the one who wanted me to spend more time with him! It’s just like… not fair that you’re not getting over it!!”
“FAIR?!! You’re talking to me about FAIR?!”
Cindy’s expression had changed again, twisted into something downright nasty. It made my stomach do backflips as she jabbed her finger hard into my chest.
“How is it fucking FAIR that YOU get to have all the fucking fun, then fuck off and get fucked brainless while I take care of our drunk sister?? Like, FAIR?? It’s so SELFISH! I thought you were fucked up! I thought I pushed you too far!! I felt fucking SORRY for you!”
She physically pushed me that time, one-handed but hard, a stiff arm to the chest that sent me stumbling backwards. I was angry, but Cindy was on fire, storming forward, in my face with eyes flashing and hair flowing with each furious motion. She was too fucking beautiful, and I was losing my righteousness.
“And like, yeah I said you should spend time with Jaxx, but… That’s it’s not what I fucking meant! You know that! And that’s even worse, cause you KNOW why I’m so mad and you’re pretending you don’t! It’s not fucking cute, it’s pathetic!!”
“I… I…”
She stopped, glaring through me, and I stammered just to fill the devastating silence. But I had nothing to say. I did know why she was so mad. I had known going back to Jaxx was a bad idea, and I’d still done it. I should have realized it was picking him over her. I was pathetic. There was no comeback because everything she said was right. I hadn’t even thought about Mary, stumbling fucked and drunk. I should have taken care of her, stuck around for my sisterly responsibilities. The very first night, after being so excited about my new sisterhood… And I’d strayed from the path so easily. Then Cindy hit me where it really hurt.
“You know I think you fucking liked when they recorded it. I didn’t hear you complaining! You get what you fucking deserve, you stupid bitch.”
Her snarled hot cruelty knocked the wind out of me with its viciousness, cut me deeper than I knew I could be cut. Tears flowed down my cheeks, and part of me wanted to just flee, slam the door behind me and run away to somewhere and hide my shame, hide from just how right she was.
But another part of me needed to protest. As much as it was shamefully on the mark, it also just wasn’t true. I hated Jaxx, hated what he and his drunk frat bros had done. Even if it turned me on, I hated it. She couldn’t really think that I liked it. She couldn’t think that little of me. It made me so sad that my heart and stomach twisted up into a knot that generated heat– the heat of fiery, indignant anger; at her, and Jaxx, and his frat bros, and boys in general.
“No, I… I didn’t! I hated it! Stop—… Don’t say that!!!”
I stepped back up, waving my hands at her emphatically, trying to somehow prove myself. But I didn’t want to be angry with her, I just wanted her to accept my apology and let me be with her again. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to just understand, and waving my hands around wasn’t good enough.
So I reached out and grabbed her shirt collar, yanking her towards me. I pressed forward at the same time, and we met awkwardly as I pressed my face against hers and kissed her. Passionate and sloppy, partially missing her mouth and just licking her face, I closed my eyes and pulled them tighter, refusing to let go.
It doesn’t make any sense, I know… I just couldn’t believe she was pushing me away, telling me to leave. Cindy had always wanted me. Even at the beginning, when it had been in that scary, predatory way, she had wanted me. Wanted me more than anyone had ever, wanted me in ways that I had never imagined. All I needed was her to want me, and I wasn’t going to relent until she did. Under the anger and disappointment and hurt she had to still feel it like I did.
“Oh my god! Back off!”
Cindy didn’t act like the felt the same way. She struggled against my hold, grabbing my hand and trying to pry it off her shirt, pushing into my chest with her other. But I refused to relent. If I let her go, it was really over, and I would have to leave, and I couldn’t do that. So I held on against all her struggling and fighting, a fact that would have surprised me if I hadn’t been so caught up in the moment.
“Seriously, STOP!!”
Faced with the unfamiliar sensation of being held against her will, Cindy’s eyes widened, and her hand gave up on pulling my fingers apart, instead pulling back. I didn’t know what she was doing until after he hand came up like a flash, making stinging hot contact.
SLAP
She’d hit me hard, and I took a step back, surprised by the sudden heat in my face (for once not my own blush) and tasting iron. She stumbled back too, holding her hand like a spent weapon. There was total silence for a second as we both caught up, our brains processed the actions they were taking, made new ığdır escort plans.
And as the sting turned to a throb, I reached up to touch my lip, and a look to my fingers revealed a spot of blood. I looked back at Cindy, eyes wide, stuck between so many emotions I was frozen with choice. She’d really hit me– not play, not sexy, just hit me.
The fucking bitch!
Her eyes were wide too, surprised by her own violent reaction. Her hand was at her mouth, as if she’d said too much, and the contempt that had burned in in her eyes had melted away, turned towards softer concern, though it wasn’t clear if it that was for me injury, or herself.
It was too late for concern, anyway. She’d lashed out, and it fucking hurt! My confusion cleared, and I was left with the same mix of sadness and regret and horniness and desire, but one rose as king above the others, my sense of injustice. How could she HIT me when I just wanted to say sorry and be with her? How could she be so mad at me, when I knew she was fucking other people too?! It was such bullshit!
I wasn’t the master of my body. All of my muscles tensed. And I pounced on her.
Tackled would probably be more accurate, haphazardly throwing myself at my target. She sort of sidestepped, but was too surprised to fully dodge, and I connected with her midsection, hitting her hard with my shoulder, tipping us over the side of an inconveniently placed couch.
“Fuck you! Fuck you!”
She stumbled, then fell half onto the cushioned seats, awkwardly scrabbling with her legs for purchase to push herself back up. Before she could I crawled up her, pulling on her too-perfect clothes, using my weight to drag her back down and keep her from getting away.
“Aah! Fuck! Fuck OFF!!”
Things happened so fast; in a few seconds I was on the couch too, draped over her body, legs wrapped around hers in awkward embrace. She’d began pushing and shoving at me, my chest and face, hitting me a few times hard enough to hurt.
“Ow! Stop… Ow! Hey! Stop it!”
“Fuck you! YOU stop!”
I managed to catch her wrists, and was at least able to keep her from hitting me again, though she threw her arms about, trying her best to wrench them from my grasp. Cindy was stronger than me and fighting hard, bucking to toss me off. But the combination of my full weight and her awkward position left me in tenuous control, and I enjoyed it for a second.
“Will you stop being such a bitch?! Just let me… fucking… Apologize!”
SLAP
It was my turn to hit, and I slapped her face firmly, but without the vicious sting she’d given me earlier. I didn’t want to hurt her, just show her how serious I was, how deeply I was feeling… Whatever was happening between us.
It worked for a moment, the shock of my aggression sending her eyes wide, subduing her enough for me to pin her hands to the couch. I leaned down, closing my eyes, even as she struggled to avoid me like the kiss of death. I thought if I could just make her remember how it had been, she would forgive me. She was so beautiful, her eyes so green and clear, her skin so soft… How could she be so hard and cruel?
But I’d miscalculated. Leaning down to kiss her, pausing to admire her looks, letting my grips on her wrists weaken just a bit; it all came together to unbalance me, give up my necessary advantage.
In a sudden, violent motion Cindy bucked again, throwing me clear, spinning out from my legs. I hit the floor hard, and before I knew it she was on top of me, her hands pinning my wrists. It was my turn to struggle helplessly as she straddled me, and when she leaned down to me she lost no balance, had all her signature power.
“Fuck you! I can’t believe you left me! You fucking SLUT!!!”
She yelled in my face, then paused for breath, her chest heaving with effort, fiery green eyes inches from mine, threatening to devour me. But I met her, stared right back. We paused for a moment, eyes locked, charge crackling between us.
Then Cindy let go with one of her hands, reaching down to grab my hair and pull, forcing my head back, making me hiss in pain until her lips met mine and kissed me.
Everything else faded out of existence, and there was only me and her. Her hand pulling my hair, her weight pressing me down, her teeth biting my lip as she kissed me. It hurt, but it hurt because she loved me, because she needed me and she didn’t want to, so I was glad to hurt for her. And I wanted to hurt her too, so one hand squirmed out of her hold and grabbed a handful of hair, pulling enough to get my own hiss of pain.
She let go of my hand, and I was too slow to stop the strike that came.
SLAP
My face burned and I gasped, more in shock than pain.
“Ow!! Shit!”
And she smiled, and it was the most vicious, beautiful, sadistic, lustful smile I’d ever seen, her green eyes flaring with playful danger. I couldn’t help but smile back, my heart racing.
I’d released her hair when she’d hit me, and she stood up, still holding onto my head, dragging me up after her. Before I was even standing she jumped me, kissing me hard, grabbing onto me and pulling me close. I tried to return her intensity, grabbing her tight ass hard and squeezing, pressing myself further into her embrace.