Soul to Soul: Healing His Harem
Part I: Life, Death, and a Vision Quest
In which our Hero finds out how broken he really is, and what (and in fact who) it will take to become whole again.
Chapter 4: Discovery: Back to His Roots
Live for yourself…there’s no one else
More worth living for
-Rush, Anthem
Friday, July 1
Landing at Logan International Airport in Billings, MT was always interesting. It lies on the edge of sandstone cliffs, and the ground rushing up to meet the plane was always a little shocking. It was a bumpy landing, but Jake soon found himself off of the plane, picking up his luggage, and driving his rented SUV down Airport Road and to the Radisson, which would be his home base for the next few days. He needed a place to stay while he figured out what it was that he was going to do.
The room was nice enough – clean, though a little worse for wear. He checked in at 5:30 in the afternoon and decided that he might as well head to the sporting goods store for backpacking supplies. He had called and talked with his boss, and decided to take a slightly longer leave of absence. After describing his plans, his boss told him to take four to six weeks if he wanted. There weren’t any deadlines coming up, and they would get along without him just fine.
It had taken several days to get everything arranged, but it was on the afternoon of July 1 that he found himself wondering where to shop for his supplies. There was a Cabela’s in town now (there hadn’t been when he lived in Billings as a kid), but remembering their prices, he drove towards Scheels instead. However, on the way, he remembered a little store called Absaroka. He had a faint memory of where it was and after a couple of wrong turns, he found it. The sign was weathered and old, and all it had on it was the name of the store and a crow. Remembering the crow from his dream on the night that Jane had died, he pulled into the parking lot. He wondered if it was open, but he was in luck – he had an hour before they shut down for the night.
Not sure why he decided to stop here first, other than Scheels was open for another three hours, he entered the store. The smell that hit him was of old canvas and leather. He was in what looked like an army/navy store. They had tents, packs, stoves, food – pretty much everything that he was looking for.
As the bell over the door had rung when he entered, he heard the caw of a crow. Looking towards the cash register, he saw a large corvid sitting on a perch eyeing him with a surprisingly intelligent gaze. There was an old man by the crow – probably Native American by his look – old and wrinkled with long gray hair. He smiled and said, “Hey friend, what can we do for you?” His words obviously included the bird, who cawed several times.
“Hold up, Harvey here says you need camping equipment. That right?”
Jake smiled, as it was obviously a camping store, but decided to play along. “Well, backpacking equipment, but yes, that’s close.”
The old man laughed and said, “Well, Harvey here, being a bird, doesn’t really understand the difference between camping and backpacking, but hey, he tries.” The caw that came from Harvey sounded, amazingly enough, indignant.
“Quiet you,” the old man laughed again. “What’s your name, young man?”
“Jake, Jake Cody,” he replied, and took the man’s proffered hand. “And I’m not that young anymore.”
“Well Jake, you can call me Old Bill. And when you’ve lived as many years as I have, everyone else is young!” The laugher in his eyes was contagious, and Jake found himself smiling. “Let’s see if we can get what you need. What kind of backpacking are you going to be doing? You’re not going to hang out in the back of that fancy vehicle you brought, are you?”
Jake looked out of the window at the SUV. “Nope. Old Bill, I grew up around here but haven’t been back for years. I remember backpacking in the Gallatins. I was thinking of driving down to Cooke City and then just heading out towards Granite Peak. I’ll probably do some fishing in the Rosebuds, maybe visit Mystic Lake.”
Old Bill looked at him a little differently, obviously reassessing his impression. “How long do you expect to be out there?”
“Probably four to six weeks.”
The old man whistled and said, “That’s not fooling around. You intending to get lost out there?”
Jake gathered his thoughts for a moment before answering. “I’ve just gotten out of a bad relationship,” he said, not really wanting to talk about the death of his wife. “I’m arriving here lost – I’ve forgotten who I was, and I remember knowing myself very well when I lived here. I thought that a trip into the Beartooths would help me to remember myself again. I’m already lost. I’m wanting to find myself again.”
Old Bill looked at him for a moment, and then glanced back at Harvey. Jake couldn’t help but look either, and again was struck by the intelligence in Harvey’s eye. Harvey cawed again several times, and Old Bill’s eyes widened. “You can’t be serious!” escort etiler he said. But Harvey cawed once more, rather emphatically, then flew to land on the old man’s shoulder. “If you say so,” he shrugged.
Jake watched this exchange with slightly less amusement than before, and wondered if there was something wrong with the old guy. But he didn’t have much time to think as Old Bill said, “Harvey says you’re the one we’ve been waiting for.” And he beckoned Jake to follow him.
Marching toward the back of the store, Jake protested, “Wait a minute, what are you talking about? How could he know who I am, let alone have been waiting for me? And are you sure you should be listening to a bird?”
Old Bill just turned around and smiled. “Young one, when you grow up as a member of the Crow Tribe, you hear our legends. And as you live longer, you realize that some of the legends are true.” Jake just stared at him, not believing his ears. Old Bill grumbled and said, “Just follow me, I’ll fill you in.”
He walked towards the back of the store and spoke. “One of our legends states that there are sometimes outsiders – people not of our tribe – that have a role to play in helping those in need. When we find them, it is our duty to do everything we can for them.”
Jake started to protest, but the Old Bill just held up his hand. “No, young one, I know you don’t believe this. But humor an old man if you would, in his eccentric beliefs.
“A specific legend states that there will come a day when an outsider will need supplies to go on a vision quest. This outsider will be a man of pure heart, who has been hurt. He will do a great service to others someday. Harvey seems to think that you are this man, and I’ve been ready for you for many years now.” As they got to the double doors at the back of the store Jake tried to protest again. Once again the old man held up his hand. “No, please don’t argue – this is something I need to do. And after hearing your story, I want to do it as well.” His eyes took on a look of pain and he continued, “I’ve been hurt in the past as well.”
Jake didn’t know what to say, and anyway Old Bill had already gone into the back. So he followed him to the stockroom.
In the back of the stockroom, up on a shelf, was a backpack. When Old Bill had told him that he had been waiting for him for years, he had expected an antique. But this was a brand new large backpack, obviously top of the line. Strapped to it was a small backpacking tent and sleeping bag. “I assume you brought your clothes with you?” the old man asked. Jake mutely nodded, and then Old Bill continued, “I’ve got a few extra things in there – socks, poncho, sun hat – things like that, along with a whole cooking kit, with a white gas burner and pot for boiling water and a week or two worth of dried food.”
Jake’s eyes were starting out of his head when he heard the old man continue. “But if you’re out there that long, you’ll need the pack rod I put in there with the fishing kit, and the trap lines to get yourself some food. There’s a fire making kit and a small water filter pump as well. Along with pretty much everything you would need to last until the weather gets cold. That’s three to four months away, so you should be fine.”
Finally Jake couldn’t hold back anymore. “Old Bill – you don’t know me. The equipment is amazing – exactly what I had been looking for, along with a lot that I hadn’t thought of. But please at least let me pay you for it!”
Harvey eyed him for a moment and cawed, and Old Bill said, “Yep, you’re right of course.” Jake just stared back and forth between them. Old Bill then said, “Tell you what. I’m wanting to give this to you to help you on your Vision Quest. You don’t believe me that this is what is going on. Fair enough. How about this…
“You take the equipment and head into the mountains. You do what you need to do, go where you need to go, but just promise me that you will make it to Mystic Lake on July 24. Stay there at least overnight, and then you can go wherever you want to go.
“If, when you come out of those mountains, you have not had your vision quest, you come back to the store, at which point I will let you pay me for everything. Does that sound fair?”
Jake didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t think of a reason to say no – he was taking no risk here, and the old man was. Finally he said, “What if something happens to me out there and I don’t make it back? You will be out hundreds of dollars of equipment. At least let me leave some collateral.”
But the old man was shaking his head. “No, Jake Cody – the Spirits of my people are asking this of me. I won’t go against them.”
In the end, Jake made the promise to come back unless there was an obvious vision quest that happened. It made Old Bill smile, and felt right when the old man was smiling. “Young one, it’s a deal.”
Chapter 5: Journey Down Memory Lane
Sweet memories
Flashing very quickly by
Reminding me
And escort beyoğlu giving me a reason why
I know that
My goal is more than a thought
I’ll be there
When I teach what I’ve been taught
And I’ve been taught…
-Rush, Lessons
Friday, July 1
Jake had no problems loading the equipment into the back of the SUV. Since all of it was contained in the large back, he just carried it out. It was a little heavy, but nothing that he couldn’t get used to again.
Thanking the old man over and over, he waved to him and Harvey as he pulled away. The crow cawed a farewell, and the sound echoed in his mind. He couldn’t help but feel that something important had just happened. But he shook his head and drove back to the Radisson.
He spent the rest of the day plotting out his course. He was in pretty good shape at this point, but he knew that he would not be able to do a heavy course, at least at first. He decided to take it easy. He would drive to Cooke City as planned the next day and stay overnight before driving to the Granite Peak trailhead. He would head towards Granite Peak, but as he was not doing any serious mountaineering – just exploring and being alone, he would head around it and make his way to East Rosebud lake. He figured he could make his way lazily there in a couple of weeks, stopping to rest, to fish, and to think. From there, he would follow Old Bill’s advice and head from East Rosebud to Mystic Lake. Taking the roundabout course and every detour he could imagine would put him at Mystic Lake in the required four weeks’ time.
He remembered Mystic Lake as a kid. There always seemed to be a fog on the lake in the morning, and it was the one place he remembered in his life that, if anywhere in the world, he could believe that magic existed. Or at least powers beyond himself.
From there, once he stayed overnight as he had promised Old Bill, he would slowly make his way back to his car, and then to Billings, where he would give the old man every penny he deserved for such a wonderful pack.
Once the plan was in place, he spent the rest of the day researching different lakes along the path, different potential campsites, what kinds of fish to expect, and generally just feeling impatient. In the end he settled down with another novel he had started. He thought he could finish it by the time he was to go to bed, and other than a stop to get some food, that’s exactly what he did.
By the time he brushed his teeth and turned out the lights, he was exhausted and fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.
*****
Saturday, July 2 – Sunday, July 3
Jake set out early in the morning. He did exactly what he had said – he drove to Cooke City, stayed overnight in a cheap motel, and then drove to the mountains. He parked at a trailhead, and started hiking. That afternoon as he set up his camp about four miles from the trailhead, Jake found a note from Old Bill, along with a tube of ointment and moleskin for blistered feet. “Bless that old man,” he murmured as he rubbed his sore feet. Dinner was simple – just some flavored noodles boiled on the white gas stove with water taken from the stream along with a Pemmican bar. I didn’t know they still made these! he thought as he unwrapped it. After taking a bite, he thought that maybe they didn’t, and that it was Old Bill’s attempt at a joke by giving him thirty year old food.
Still, he slept well that night and woke to the sounds of the forest – birds singing, wind in the trees, and absolutely nothing else. He got out of bed and found a meadow where the sun was just rising over the hill. He found a soft patch of grass and started to meditate. He didn’t think of anything in particular – he just let his thoughts drift over his childhood and early life, remembering where he had come from. An hour of that and he felt more refreshed than in recent memory.
For the rest of the week he would wake in the morning, take a drink of filtered water, meditate for an hour or so, and then pack up everything and start on the trail again. It was a good pattern – a metaphysical journey followed by a physical one. On day three he got tired of just noodles, and so he decided to try his hand at fishing. After a couple of hours of frustration, he ate the noodles. It wasn’t until day 5 that he got the hang of it again and his lunch was a fat rainbow trout, and dinner was two smaller brook trout. They tasted wonderful cooked over a small campfire.
His meditations were very healing. He was remembering again who he was. He was a nerdy kid growing up, good in school, always loving to read, and playing in the band. He wasn’t overly popular, but he had friends. As his meditations progressed, he wondered what had ever happened to his old friends. He hoped that they were happy.
As he thought of his friends, he realized that he wasn’t seeing anyone on the trails. That was fine – he wanted solitude anyway – so having the mountain to himself, escort ortaköy so to speak, was a good thing.
He was always a thoughtful child. He liked when other people were happy, and he had been very good at feeling what others were feeling. He realized that from an early age he was an empath. Not in the sci-fi sense, but more that he felt others’ feelings, and did his best to help them feel good. He was a peacemaker – someone who calmed situations instead of escalating them. It didn’t make him popular, but it did make it so that those who were his friends truly felt like he cared for them.
Bookworm. Musician. Friend. Confidant. Empath. These were his roots. And he felt that at his core, he still wanted to be that person.
When he got near Granite Peak, he realized that his decision to skirt the summit and to go on to East Rosebud was a good one. You didn’t HAVE to have climbing equipment to get up there, but it was a good idea. He didn’t see any in the pack, and anyway this was not about summiting mountains. This was a slow, steady journey through nature and through his past to discover who he had been, who he currently was, and who he really wanted to be.
He got to East Rosebud on Saturday, three days ahead of schedule, but that was not a problem – he just set up camp and fished all day. By the end of the first ten days of his trip, he had gotten through college in his memories. He had met Jane in high school. She was someone who took an interest in him – she had a ready smile and laugh, and they had a lot of fun together. He spent an entire hour in a clearing at East Rosebud Lake with tears streaming down his cheeks as he remembered that at first there had been good times. There had been friendship, fun, and love. With everything else that had happened, he seemed to have forgotten the good parts.
Jake always wondered what had possessed them to have sex that night in his car. They were Seniors in High School, it was February, and they were off driving together. That night was the first time that either of them had had sex – they fumbled around in the dark and giggled like the teenagers that they were and in the end had sort of figured everything out. Jake had thought it was wonderful. He felt loved and desired, and it made him want to be with Jane even more
He found out years later that Jane didn’t enjoy it, and in fact had suffered through it that night. The more he considered it, the more he realized that she probably did it to keep him. And it worked – she had gotten pregnant that night.
As he was packing to leave East Rosebud early on that Wednesday, he thought about how she had used sex to get him to stay with her. He thought about how it was used as a tool – an unpleasant task that she didn’t even enjoy, that she used to get what she wanted. That attitude toward sex colored their entire marriage.
They had married during their Freshman year of college – at just barely 18 years of age and with an infant daughter, they started their lives out with nothing but each other. They were happy then, at least Jake had thought so.
*****
Wednesday, July 13
He left the lake with about 13 fewer fish than there had been when he arrived. He was starting to get a little sick of trout, but because he had eaten so many there were still a significant number of noodles left. So he started on the slow hike toward Mystic Lake, keeping to the same pattern. He thought about changing things up, but it was working so well that he thought that he should continue.
The meditations on this leg of the journey were not happy. He tried to pinpoint what had happened to turn things so sour. He thought that a lot of it had revolved around sex, and their incompatibility. After the first few tries, the sex had gotten better – even Jane had wanted to sometimes without him having to ask. But something seemed to change once she realized that she was pregnant. She no longer wanted to be touched very much, and almost all forms of physical affection ceased. He remembered in excruciating detail the night, about a year after Sylvie was born, that he had tried to talk with Jane about it.
She accused him of being a sex addict, told him that his sexual needs were abnormal, and that the things he was suggesting – bringing up the idea of fantasies together, different sexual positions, and trying things like oral sex – that these were unnatural, and that he was a pervert for even bringing it up.
He cried again that day in the mountains, and spent the rest of the day after that in his tent, trying to come to terms with his own sexuality and how he had been broken by that night when she had called him those horrible names.
Considering everything, Jake was surprised that they even were able to have Will at all. But as much as his marriage had been full of loneliness, he would never regret his kids. He loved them fiercely, and had always been there for them.
After wrestling with his feelings about sex in that tent for a while, he finally came to the conclusion that he was not abnormal, bad, perverted, or anything. There was nothing wrong with his feelings – nothing wrong at all. He felt so strongly about this that he got up, unzipped his tent, stepped outside, lifted his arms to the sky, and yelled, “I am fine with my sexuality! I love sex, and there is nothing wrong with that!”