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Time after time, I’m reminded why I’m constantly single. Or maybe just why I stay single. For me it’s a struggle between giving someone too much of myself and not giving enough. It’s striking the perfect balance. It always seems to end the same way, too. Seeing the man I was giving too much of myself to pawing at another woman like he never even knew me. There was never an explanation, there was never a reason. There was never anything of substance except the pain that radiated through my chest every single time.
My friends liked to call me the hopeless romantic. I never just let my feelings show. I hid them until they boiled over the top with their intensity. That’s how it happened with Nate. I let everything build up until it was too much for him to handle and he just…vanished. His hands were now resting on the hips of a short blonde girl. And he wasn’t touching her the way he did me. He was tender with her, loving. There was no edge of possession in his eyes, just contentment. So everything he had ever said to me was a complete lie. All the promises he made and all the sweet nothings he whispered in my ear. They were lies. And the only thing I could feel was the stabbing sense of betrayal in my heart and the lingering bruise around my neck. All good things come to an end, right?
She was looking at me like her world had just ended and all I could focus on was the handprint I left across her neck a couple nights ago. I could have killed her. That revelation had hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never gone that far with anyone. I had never actually played part to my fantasies until Brooke walked into my life. She had been so pliant, so willing. It was hard to resist her. But I had almost killed her. So, she was looking at me like I had just ended her world, but all I could focus on was that. I could only focus on how, if she hadn’t passed out, I probably would have crushed her trachea in the heat of the moment. As much as her world ended, mine had been shattered.
Brooke wouldn’t take another step towards me. Her eyes were shining with tears that went unshed. Or maybe she had cried but she was just trying to keep it together around me. I had my girlfriend next to me- someone Brooke hadn’t known about. It probably looked like I kadıköy escort recovered quickly, but Allie had been in my life for years now. I hadn’t been the most eligible bachelor when I brought Brooke into my life. I was magnetically attracted to her. It was a dangerous attraction that would end badly no matter what I did. I squeezed Allie’s hips and urged her to walk on. There was no reason to linger here.
“Nate, who is she?” Allie looked up at me with big blue eyes.
“Just a coworker.” I replied.
“She was looking at you like you broke her,” Allie laughed a little. I just squeezed her a little tighter.
“That’s ridiculous. I barely know her.” The weight of the lie on my tongue was heavier than I expected it to be. It was like someone had just put an anvil on my chest and expected me to move on with my life as if I wasn’t getting crushed.
The look on Allie’s face let me know that she knew better, but she was going to drop it. But I couldn’t explain to my girlfriend that the woman who had been staring at us moments ago was the woman who stole my heart. That she had seen more of me than Allie. That I was avoiding her because I had almost choked her to death. I took a deep breath and hoped that she didn’t notice my mood. All good things come to an end, right?
Rum was my poison. Any kind at any time pretty much anywhere. I was on my fifth rum and coke when I decided I needed something stronger. And by my seventh I could barely move up off the couch because the margarita in my other hand wasn’t agreeing with me. Drinking was my bad habit. Every time something bad happened to me, I had a drink in my hand. My heart was shattered? No problem that a little alcohol couldn’t solve. My lover shows up at work with a longtime girlfriend? Nothing that a bottle couldn’t solve. And I mean it. A whole damn bottle.
All the alcohol really did was intensify my sadness, but it allowed me to actually feel it. It broke through my barriers and made me feel what I was blocking out. I was ugly crying. My face was red and blotchy and my nose was running. I was making futile gasps for air and crying to songs by The Fray. Images of Nate ran üsküdar escort through my head and all I could do was let them flood my brain. They washed over me and threatened to break me from my core. Nate would be the death of me, wouldn’t he?
Screwing Allie didn’t hold half the satisfaction as fucking Brooke. It was too vanilla. Too much emotion was involved. So now per the regular routine, I laced my fingers into Allie’s and raised her arms above her head. Allie moaned softly at the move. I was doing everything I could to keep my hard-on.
She squeezed my hands and started pushing up against me. I leaned down and nibbled on her earlobes and trailed down to her neck. All I could think about at this point was how I’d have Brooke tied up to my be, her ass pushed out, with my hands on her hips, probably drawing a little blood because I was holding her a little too tight. Those luscious breasts would be bouncing up and down as she moaned my name. The thought made my dick twitch.
Allie released my hands and moved them to rest on my hips. The move was another vanilla classic. I removed myself from her and allowed her to get on top. She moved in slow, gentle circles. I could feel my cock starting to lose interest. Allie leaned forward and kissed me gently. I obliged, but I needed more. I needed the raw passion that fucking Brooke gave me. It took all of a minute of her on top for me to go soft. I moaned in frustration and pushed her off me.
“Nate, honey, what’s wrong?” She asked. She was obviously upset but I didn’t care.
“You know what’s wrong. Why does everything have to be about you all the time?” I felt almost instant regret at the words but they were true.
“Nate you know I can’t…”
“Then why do you trap me in this? You know I’m not happy. Why are you so fucking selfish?”
I bent over and picked up my boxers. I quickly put them on and stomped out of the room. I didn’t want to hear her reply. I truly didn’t care what she had to say.
The bottle is gone. The damn bottle is gone. I giggled as I examined it. My face is hot, the bottle is gone, and I don’t have anything else. The irony. I have nothing. Two months tuzla escort ago I had everything. My hand went to my neck. I was so painfully aware that the night this happened had broke us up. Oh, wait. It was the fiancée on the side. It had everything to do with Nate being a whore.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks again. This ball of uncontrolled emotion was my fault. I drank the bottle. I had let a man get under my skin. I gave him the power over me; I had let him own me. I let him touch me and he had made me feel more vulnerable than anyone else ever had. I sighed. A bubble of laughter came up in between my sobs. I was horny. Nate could get me going even though he wasn’t here.
Right now I was wearing his favorite lingerie. It was a sheer black teddy with matching garters. The fabric was rough against my skin, but it got him going on sight. I slid my hand down the fabric. I stopped just before I hit my cunt. I trailed my hands back up my body and grasped my tits. Slowly, I pulled back the fabric and let my boobs spill out. I rolled one of my nipples between my fingers. A moan slid out between my lips. I felt myself soaking through the teddy.
Visions of Nate’s hands around my throat quickened my pulse, made my body crave him. I slid one of my hands down my body and pushed the thin lace fabric of the teddy aside. I drug my finger from my clit down all the while thinking of how Nate filled me up. About how he would probably make me beg for him before he touched me.
“Fuck,” My voice was a whisper. The pleasure was washing over me.
I spread my pussy lips and imagined Nate between my legs, his teeth locked around my clit. His tongue exploring my pussy. His deep brown eyes staring into mine as his fingers thrust in and out of me. Him sucking on me like his life depended on it. How his other hand would be grasping my hip, forcing me to stay still. I would be bucking up against him, shouting his name for everyone to hear.
I unsnapped the teddy and let my hand roam freely. Slowly I inserted a couple of fingers inside me. I pressed my thumb firmly against my clit and moved my fingers in and out. My back arched with the pleasure. Oh how I wanted him. I wanted my nipples in his mouth, marks from his belt evenly placed on my stomach. I wanted to be in pain for him. I wanted him on top of me, inside me, I wanted him to be an extension of me. I quickened the pace and my orgasm built slowly. I rubbed my clit furiously, letting the pleasure mount until it washed over me wave after wave. I grunted his name as the final waves of pleasure crashed over me. Nothing would ever feel like Nate again, would it?
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